“The night is dark and full of terrors” – Me, when I saw Samwell’s dad shame him out of a second piece of bread last episode. I was hoping Sam would go full-on Chris Farley GAP Girls on Randyll Tarly’s ass, but instead, in true Sam fashion, he just got embarrassed and waved the bread away.
Well, Randyll Tarly is just the straight-up worst (after Ramsay Bolton, Littlefinger, The Night’s King, Walder Frey, those Cannibal Guys, etc. etc.), but there were some sweet moments at Horn Hill, too: Sam’s mom is a delight, Gilly once again showed us what a BA she is, and Sam stuck it to his old man by stealing the family sword. Tim Paluch suggested that someone Photoshop a baguette in place of the sword, because comedy. My sweet friend, Kelly Bittner, did just that:
“Sam Loves Bread” by Kelly Bittner
The problem is, Sam is so bad at being bad, and the theft of Heartsbane was really awkward to watch. Even though it wasn’t the smoothest sword-stealing I’ve ever seen, it was an important move, nonetheless: it’s pretty obvious that Heartsbane is going to play an essential role in killing White Walkers later this season, and it might just be Gilly who does most of the ice zombie slaying. Sam is by far the kindest and most thoughtful character on the show, so naturally, I assume he’s going to be dead by the end of the season.
This is starting to sound a lot like a bold prediction, so this seems like natural time to progress into, well, our Bold Predictions. Here we go!
Julie Cusack: I wasn’t that far off on my bold prediction last week. Something bad DID happen to Margaery and Olenna DID get really pissed. But she didn’t murder anyone—yet. I still think that Olenna is going to have a major role in taking the High Sparrow down, but it’s going to take awhile to play out.
Cersei told Jaime that The Mountain was going to fight in her Trial by Combat, which will happen this week. The Mountain will die, and Cersei will have to flee King’s Landing.
Gilly will buy a dress that’s easier to walk in.
Adam Holt: (Congrats on making the first-ever accurate bold prediction last week, Holt!).
To defend my title as Bold Prediction Trial by Combat Champion, I’m going big this week. Mountain big. My prediction has nothing to do with the Mountain, though. In the Riverlands, there will be a convening of Jamie and Bronn and Brienne of Tarth. The instant connection will be undeniable between Bronn and Brienne. Everyone’s would-be love interest between Brienne and Tormund will be shattered, thus Game of Thrones ripping out our hearts once again.
Dave Murphy: Last week was one of those weeks where pieces are set in motion, so I don’t have a ton to say except: No Brienne and Tormund, no peace. It was good to see Benjen again. It was even better to see his fire mace, which was rad.
Bold predictions: If we don’t check in on the goings on with regards to The North, I’ll throw things. Never skip The North.
Arya stabs the Waif. Like, a lot of times.
The political maneuvers in King’s Landing come to a head with Tommen’s assassination (which is happening). The High Sparrow takes over the throne. Chaos ensues when an unchecked religious oligarchy reigns. The Mountain crushes skulls. We’ll end this season with the trouncing of the High Sparrow, a complete uprising and the Iron Throne essentially vacated.
Uh, Margaery wins, I guess.
Alexa “North of the” Wahl: Ramsay Bolton gets eaten by Arya’s direwolf in a much-needed act of karma (he gives me mucho scary nightmares).
Tim “Same Joke as Above” Wahl: Arya kills the Waif. She joins acting guild and heads back to Westeros.
Jon R.: Jon Snow will wake up and realize the entire series was just a dream
Jason D.: Sansa will use her (unannounced but clearly foreshadowed) pregnancy to rally the reluctant North against Ramsay. No action tonight on that front, just commitments garnered.
Tim Paluch: Sansa dies. Because everything beautiful and true will perish.
Actually, there’s no way they can kill Sansa this week. Probably the season finale. So, that’s a silly prediction.
My actual prediction is Arya kills no fewer than three people, including the Waif. She then teams up with Jorah and creates the best on-screen duo since Jaimie and Bronn, which results in a spinoff series about their misadventures called “No Name and the Stone Man.”
Things people mostly agree on: the Waif is going to get a Needle to the heart (which I would be fine with, because it lends itself nicely to a Nilla Wafers recipe), Sansa’s got some moves up her sleeve, and a million wars are about to break out. Things everyone agrees on: we wanted Sam to have ALL the bread. Good news, Samwell Tarly! Because I’m so proud of you for kinda sorta standing up for yourself, you’re not only going to get those two slices of bread, I’m going to sweeten the deal by putting some good stuff in the middle, too. In other words, I’m gonna make you a Sammich. Since I don’t have squirrel or venison on hand, I’m going to take a big leap here and assume that Sam is probably pretty into roast beef.
“What a Gouda-Guy” Grilled Cheese and Roast Beef Sammich
- 1/4 lb. Thinly Sliced Roast Beef (I suggest you buy Boar’s Head, in honor of Robert Baratheon, obviously)
- 2+ Slices Gouda
- 4 slices Sandwich bread of your choice (we used Italian)
- Yellow Onion, julienned
- Thyme Leaves (4 sprigs or so)
- Mushrooms, sliced
- Dijon Mustard, 2-3 tbsp, or more, if you wanna get nutty
- 1 egg yolk, well beaten
- Olive Oil
In a large skillet, heat 2 tbsp of butter on medium-low, until melted. Add the julienned onions and mushrooms to the skillet Season with salt and pepper, and fresh thyme stirring occasionally, until caramelized.
About 5 minutes before vegetables are finished sautéing, in a small pot, melt 1 more tbsp. of butter. Whisk in mustard and egg yolk, until well combined. It shouldn’t be too liquidy. If you want a thicker sauce, you can cut down on the butter OR you can turn up the heat a bit and cook longer. If you do, make sure to whisk often, so it doesn’t burn or separate.
In another skillet (or the same one if you are one of those weirdos who actually clean as you go—just be careful scrape out all the bittens off the bottom, so your sandwich doesn’t get burnt pieces in it), heat up yet some more butter (for health) over medium. Lightly lightly lightly brush each the outside of each slice of bread with olive oil. Top bread in this order: mustard sauce, gouda, roast beef, onion and mushroom mixture. Cook each side, covered for about 4 minutes per side. Slice, diagonally, because that’s the only way grilled cheese should ever be eaten.
Adam loved this sando and told me to keep this recipe in my back pocket. I liked it a lot, too, but if I were to do it again, I’d make more mustard sauce and put it on both sides. I’d also like to try this again with either ham or turkey instead of roast beef–but it’s not about my preferences, it’s about Sam this week.
Bonus: I bought these Game of Thrones-y wines that are more than appropriate. Congrats (??) on becoming the new Three-Eyed Raven, Bran! We will raise our glasses to you tonight.